


I Am A F***ing Idiot But I Don't Know How To Fix It

by apollojolras, Red_City



Series: You're the One That I Want [6]
Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Arguing, Boys Kissing, Canon Relationship, Cards Against Humanity, Cheerleaders, Confession, Confrontations, Crossover, Crying, Decisions, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, FIx It, Flirting, Food, Game Night, Grease - Freeform, High School, Javier has issues, Javier is a coward, Kissing, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Pink Ladies, Sadness, School, Sorry Not Sorry, Stubborn Idiots, T-Birds, Underage Drinking, Yelling, date, depressing rysposito feels, i'm not crying you're crying, movie, new, new characters - Freeform, ultimatum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-01-16 07:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1336600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollojolras/pseuds/apollojolras, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_City/pseuds/Red_City
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Javier screwed up.<br/>Kevin is understandably pissed.<br/>Neither of them know what to do.</p><p>(Also yay new characters! uwu)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Window

**Author's Note:**

> ~ANNOUNCEMENT!!~  
> We are releasing a version of this fic on Google Drive with the thrilling experience of the Author Commentary, for those who are interested in reading it. Please look at [this document](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1D9kZYck3YdZvrtsj7zGalpTUdKJx21bBZ1Tf0Zo6jmQ/viewform?usp=send_form) for more information! Thanks!

This was stupid, this was so, so, so stupid. 

Javier was in the drivers seat of Royce’s convertible, Demming and Beckett in the backseat. It was going on a month since school started, and now he was sitting in Lanie’s driveway, waiting for Royce to get the balls to start throwing rocks at her window. Javier knew it wouldn’t work, and had said as much, but was being studiously ignored. 

“Come on, man, I don’t want to sit here all night,” Demming said, pushing Royce’s shoulder. Royce slid his seat all the way back to smash into Demming’s legs as he got out of the car. Demming cursed under his breath and Beckett laughed.

“You asked for that,” she said, reaching over to ruffle his hair. Royce was now in the front yard, looking for little rocks.

Javier sighed. This year was not going at all the way he expected it to. It had started with the summer, and - and Kevin. And then Kevin was here, but he wasn’t really, because they hadn’t talked since that first week. Javier had run into him about 8 times in the halls at school and had been completely ignored. Not that Javier would know what to say, even if Kevin had wanted to talk to him. He was embarrassed, and pissed off, and really confused. When did his life become this? 

Royce finally (finally) found a rock and tossed it up at the window. Javier watched, not really that interested, but then immediately ducked his head when Lanie, Alexis and FUCKING KEVIN leaned their heads out the window.

“What the hell do you think you are doing, boy?” Lanie called down, her bitch face on. Javier had very personal experience with that face, and he knew that Royce was in for it now.

“I just wanted to see you, baby - and look, the rest of the girls are here too,” Royce said, smiling obliviously.

“I see you brought the bottom feeders. And Kate.”

Beckett waved at Lanie, smiling, and Javier hunched further down in his seat.

“Oh, don’t even try that, Javier Esposito, I know you’re there.”

Javier finally looked up, and was caught in Kevin’s stare. It wasn’t as harsh as the looks he had gotten in the hallways at school, but it wasn’t exactly friendly, either.

“What are you guys think you’re doing, seriously?” Lanie asked, and Kevin crossed his arms. Alexis had gone back into the room, and Javier could hear her talking to who he assumed was Gina. The three of them were always together, and now that apparently included Kevin. Shit. He knew that this was a bad idea.

“Baby, I just wanted to see you,” Royce said again, and Javier could see Lanie’s eye roll from behind the windshield. 

“You call me baby one more time, and I will stick this perfectly manicured nail into your eye, baby,” Lanie said, and Kevin’s mouth flicked up in a half smile. He had somehow forgotten what that smile looked like, and how goddamn beautiful it was. Kevin hadn’t smiled at him since the bonfire, and boy was that a night Javier did not want to remember. Even now, he wasn’t smiling at Javier, and it was still like a punch in the gut. He tried to look away, he really did, but Kevin’s eyes had captured him again like they had every day since the first day on the beach. Blue. Kevin stared back, eyebrows raised and a scowl twisting his lips again.

“What, Esposito?” He asked softly, and Javier sucked in a breath. Kevin hadn’t EVER called him Esposito, and it was a harsh reminder of how far they had fallen.

“Nothing,” Javier said, looking back down at the steering wheel. He could feel Beckett digging her knees into the back of his seat, and she sighed heavily behind him. 

 

They had sort of talked about it, after that night at the bonfire. She had let him stew for three days, and then cornered him, demanding to know what the hell he was doing.

“What the hell, Espo?” She asked him, crossing her arms and standing in front of him. She had showed up at his house after school, and his mom (the traitor) had let her in. Beckett had marched into his room spun his chair around to face in her direction, leaving him no escape. 

“What?” He asked, knowing that playing dumb would only buy him a few minutes, at most.

“Don’t. Please don’t. I am not messing around here.”

“Fine. I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You - you asshat. What the hell. That was him, wasn’t it? At the bonfire?”

Javier stayed silent, and refused to make eye contact.

“Of course it was. Why did you brush him off like that? After literally, just seconds before, telling me about him?” Beckett waved a hand down below his face, forcing his gaze up towards her eyes. _Geez,_ he thought. She was not messing around this time. 

“I - I wasn’t - I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I - “

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m not denying that,” Javier said under his breath. Beckett blew her hair out of her face.

“Are you gonna talk to him?” She asked, cocking her head.

“He won’t want to talk to me.”

“Well that’s your own goddamn fault.”

Javier stayed silent.

“Are you going to TALK to him, Javi?”

Javier looked back at her, and her eyes were softer now. She was just wanting to help, but she didn’t really understand. Javier didn’t really understand, if he was being honest. And now she was looking at him with her stupid hopeful face and she KNEW that Javier had a soft spot for that and - 

“FINE. If I ever get a chance again, I will talk to him. But, I’m telling you, Kate, he’s - he - I really fucked things up.”

“I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

 

Now, seeing him again, Javier still wasn’t sure. Even if it was just the way Javier had reacted, he had had time enough time to think about it (obsess over every second of that night) and then was painfully reminded of the personal secrets Kevin had shared with him. Kevin had trusted him fully, and Javier had basically done the exact same thing that Bobby had done to him. _Fucking Bobby._ It just made everything worse. 

Beckett cleared her throat in the backseat, and Javier knew that she was threatening to become less subtle. He would have to say SOMETHING.

“How are you?” Javier asked, looking back up at the window, his voice breaking in the middle. He coughed, and met Kevin’s eyes.

He looked surprised, but only for a moment, and then the blank scowl was back. 

“Fine. How are you?”

“I’m - okay,” Javier said, wanting to say so much more but not while fucking Demming was in the backseat. 

“Did you - how is - how do you like school?” Javier winced, realizing how idiotic he must sound. Royce was still annoying Lanie, who stood next to Kevin in the large window frame, but their conversation was soft enough that Kevin could still hear him. Kevin leaned against the frame, arms still crossed.

“It’s not so different.”

Javier didn’t know how to continue. Kevin stared at him, obviously expecting more, but he had nothing. Beckett poked him through the seat again, and he shifted, trying to ignore her. She poked him harder, and he shot her a glance. That was a mistake, because she was glaring daggers at him. He looked back up at Kevin, who was still looking down at him expectantly. When Javier didn’t say anything else, something fell from Kevin’s face and he took a step back into the room.

“Well. See you at school,” he said, and before Javier could respond, he went back into Lanie’s room, disappearing from view. 

Beckett practically growled at him. 

“What the fuck?” Demming asked, startled enough to look up at Beckett from his phone, and Kate climbed into the front seat to confront Javier. 

“Are you serious?” She asked, and he didn’t look at her, instead staring at the wheel. She punched his arm, and he still didn’t react. 

“Jesus, Javi,” she said, and sat back. He didn’t know what to say to her. He was a fucking coward. 

“Do I spy a Ms. Katherine Beckett over there, or has the sun come up a few hours early?”

A voice from behind them had all three of them in the car spinning around to find the quarterback of the football team, Richard Castle, standing in the middle of the street. Javier had forgotten he lived around here, and behind him, he could see a couple more guys on the football team hanging their heads out the window of his house.

“Is that Richard Castle, or has Halloween come early this year?” Lanie called from the house, and Javier had to smile at that.

“Lanie, didn’t see you there. Lovely, as always. Esposito. Demming. Royce. What’re you guys up to?”

“None of your business,” Kate said, raising an eyebrow.

“You wound me, Katherine, you do,” he said, and Javier could tell she was trying not to smile. What was up with that?

Castle was now sidling up to the side of the car, leaning down to Beckett’s eye level. 

“Could I interest you in a late night stroll, m’lady Katherine?” He asked, holding a hand out. 

“Don’t call me Katherine.”

“Fine, could I interest you in a late night stroll, _Kate?_ ”

“Better,” she said, but still didn’t take the hand. She turned to look at Esposito, and he frowned. 

“Are you gonna?” She asked, and he dropped his eyes, knowing what she meant.

“That’s what I thought,” she said, sounding disappointed and more pissed off at him than she’d been in a long time.

“Where are we going, cowboy?” Beckett said, ignoring Castle’s offered hand and hopping out of the car on her own.

“Wait, really?” Castle asked, frozen in shock.

“Would you rather me decline?”

“NO! No, hell no, yes, let’s go, there’s a diner around the corner, do you like pie? Pfft, of course you like pie, everyone loves pie. Not that I would assume that about you, but - you like pie, right?”

“Shut up, Castle.” 

“Shutting up.”

Javier watched, angry at himself and more than a little confused at Beckett’s actions. She HATED Castle. Hated. Was she really that mad?  
“I don’t know what you did, bro, but she is PISSED at you. She hates that guy,” Demming said. “Man, what did you do? I was gonna ask her to go on a stroll with ME.”

“Shut the hell up, no you weren’t, you were gonna ask her to come to your place like you always do and she was gonna smack you like she always does.”

“So? Maybe she woulda said yes if you hadn’t pissed her off,” Demming huffed.

“Shut _up,_ Demming. Royce!” Javier called over. “Let’s go!”

“But I was - “

“I don’t give a shit, get in the car.”

“Whoa, bro, chillax.”

“Shut up,” Javier said again, just to have something to say. Shut up, shut up, shut up, he repeated to himself, trying to drown out the, _COWARD, FUCK-UP, COWARD,_ that was pounding through his head.

_Shut up._


	2. The Jukebox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier tries to apologize.

It was a week later when Javier tried again. They were going to Moe’s diner to get food and shakes, the boys trailing behind and Beckett walking ahead. She still hadn’t quite forgiven him, but they also hadn’t had a chance to talk about it. That meant, of course, that Javier hadn’t had a chance to ask about her ‘date,’ either. Beckett had been suspiciously close-mouthed about it.

The door chimed as they walked in, the crowd inside washing over them in a soothing babble of gossip and the smell of fries. They headed to their usual table at the back, but saw it was already taken. By Lanie, Alexis, Gina, some other cheerleaders, Castle, his football jocks, and - 

“Kevin,” Javier said under his breath, immediately turning to see if either Royce or Demming had heard. They hadn’t - it was lucky his friends were so oblivious sometimes. 

They crowded into a booth, Demming pushing himself next to Beckett as she rolled her eyes. Javier sat on the side where he could see Kevin. Not on purpose. Definitely not.

He could tell the moment that Kevin noticed them sitting there, his shoulders tensing and his head turning to catch Lanie’s eyes. Kevin didn’t look over, though, but Javier kept finding himself staring at the back of his head, wishing he would just look. They ordered milkshakes and fries, the usual, and Demming took a record breaking three minutes to piss Beckett off before she poured salt into his milkshake.

Kevin stood, and Javier sat up, watching. He walked to the old school jukebox in the corner of the little diner, leaning down to peer into the glass window. This was Javier’s chance. 

“I’ll be right back,” he mumbled to the table, and practically ran to the jukebox, slowly only on the last few steps so as not to appear desperate. He leaned up against the frame, putting an easy smile on his face. Kevin appeared not to notice him at first, eyes on the music inside the box. Javier tapped his fingers on the glass to get his attention.

Kevin barely looked up, his forehead creasing when he realized it was Javier. 

“Uh, hey,” he said, flipping through another page of music with the buttons.

“Hi,” Javier said, and cleared his throat.

“Did you want this?” Kevin asked, straightening up and pointing at the jukebox.

“No, no, I, uh, came over here to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Kevin said, crossing his arms, looking expectant. 

“Okay, well, I just - I just wanted to say, about before, at the bonfire, I -” Javier paused, and Kevin exhaled. “I just -”

“No, don’t worry about it, I get it,” Kevin said. “No need to explain yourself.”

“No, you don’t, Kev, I’m -”  
“What?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, okay?” Javier said, louder than before. Kevin’s eyebrows went up a little, not expecting that. Javier wanted to smooth out the wrinkles on his face, kiss the frown off of his mouth. He then remembered where they were, glanced around and moved closer to Kevin, lowering his voice. “I don’t - I don’t know what happened, I was surprised and didn’t know what to do -”

“Well remind me not to surprised you anymore, you don’t react well.”

“No, I -”

“Like, I said, don’t worry about it.” Kevin leaned down again, punching the buttons with more force than strictly necessary. 

“Kevin, come on, I’m trying to apologize here,” Javier said, putting a hand on Kevin’s arm. Kevin looked up at him, hurt all in his eyes. 

“Careful,” he said, shifting so Javier’s hand would fall. “Wouldn’t want anyone to see you.” His eyes flickered over to Beckett and the boys, and then back to Javier. He stood up fully then, giving Javier a half-hearted salute before walking away.

Javier watched as he made his way back to Lanie, and Lanie started laughing as Kevin reached her. Javier tilted his head, confused, until he heard the song coming from the jukebox. 

_”You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time...you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog…”_

Javier sighed, and caught the side of Kevin’s smirk as he sat down. Putting his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket he walked back to his table, sitting down heavily.

Beckett raised any eyebrow, and he didn’t answer the unspoken question, downing the rest of his milkshake. 

“That looked like it went well,” she said under her breath. 

“Shut up,” Javier mumbled.

_“You told me you were high class...but that was just a lie…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, school has been killing us. More soon!


	3. The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lanie and Kate start making plans.  
> Castle has the gang over at his place.  
> Maybe this is the chance Javier has been waiting for?
> 
> (Also there is some underage drinking, but not much.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...let the Caskett begin.

Lanie was tired of this bullshit.

Obviously, the boys were totally fucking in love with each other and Espo was shit at communication and pride and Kevin was turning out to be just as stubborn. God, they were perfect for each other and they were also both jackasses.

She had been, on the sly, dropping hints about Espo to Kevin - mentioning him in stories, talking about places he hung out - every time, Kevin would get this weird half-amused, half-pissed off look but not really respond other than that. She was also updating Espo on Kevin, telling him how he was doing, bringing him up in casual conversation. Espo never asked for it, but he always looked a little relieved when Lanie mentioned him.

"This has got to end," Lanie said, dropping her head onto the table. It was after school, and she was waiting with Kate for Kevin, Alexis and Gina to get out of cheer practice, watching the boys mess around in the emptying parking lot.

"I know, goddamnit. Neither one of them is budging." Kate drummed her fingers against the table. "Do you know what happened?"

"Sort of?" Lanie said, lifting her head to put her chin in her hands. "They dated or something all summer and totally fell head over heels and then Javier remembered his social persona and fucked everything up and Kevin refuses to let him fix it."

"Ha. Basically. I don't really know what to tell him to do, I don't know Kevin at all," Kate said, side-eyeing Lanie.

"You think I know him? It's only been a month into school, and the boy gets all clammed up when I mention Espo. Like he doesn't know what to do either."

Kate sighed, blowing her bangs up in her face. "You dated Espo once - what would make him make a move?"

"Ooh. Hm. Let me think. He likes leather pants."

"Lanie, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, yeah. He gets adorably jealous. You know how I am, I flirt around a lot, and it was always the days I did that that I got the best make out sessions. Gets him all hot and possessive," Lanie said, turning her head to see if the girls were done yet. Kevin had been volunteered by Alexis for the team, and the coach had eaten him right up. He was currently learning how to catch flyers, Gina landing gracefully in his arms. Didn't look half bad for his second week on the team.

"We could set Kevin up with someone," Kate said.

"Who?" Lanie asked, turning back towards her friend.

"I don't know, who can we manipulate for our own gain?"

"Beckett!"

Both girls turned towards the voice, and then Lanie got an evil grin on her face.

"No, Lanie, no, don't you dare - don't even THINK - "

"Castle! So nice to see you!" Lanie called, waving as he ran up to their table, fresh off the field from practice. His helmet was under one arm and his hair was curling at his temples.

"Why hello, Lanie. Kate, nice to see you too. Beckett. Kate. Which do you prefer, you never told me?" Castle said, breathing a little heavily as he came to a stop.

"Beckett," Kate said, and Lanie could see her trying to hide a smile.

"For now," Lanie said under her breath, and Kate pinched her arm.

"Ow!"

"What are you two lovely ladies up to this evening? My mother is out of the house, and I was thinking about having a game night. The festivities would only be improved by your company."

"Ever the charmer," Lanie said, smiling.

"We'll think about it," Kate said.

"We'll be there," Lanie said, pinching Kate back.

"How gracious of you, Lanie. Beckett?" He asked, holding out a hand. She eyed it for a second, then put her hand out. Instead of the handshake she was expecting, he turned her hand palm down and placed a gentle kiss on her knuckle, holding eye contact. Lanie stifled a giggle as she watched Kate fight down a blush.

"I'll text you!" Castle said, grinning and running off with his football buddies. Kate watched him go, her mouth gone slack with surprise, hand still hovering in mid-air where Castle had kissed it.

"So. Castle," Lanie started, and Kate shot her a glare and pulled her hand back under the table.

"Shut up."

"Ooh, this is gonna be fun!"

"Shut UP."

 

\----------

 

It was around 8 that night, and Lanie had convinced Espo, Royce, Demming, Alexis, Gina and Kevin to all meet her and Kate at Castle's house. Espo and Kevin didn't know the other was coming. She was half worried that that would blow up in her face, but then again, this shit had gone on long enough and SOMEONE had to do something.

She was the first there, Kate in tow, bearing pretzels and wine-coolers, stolen from Lanie's step-mom's fridge. Castle let them in with a huge smile, gesturing to the mountain of food in the kitchen and a table full of board games. Kevin and the girls showed up behind them, and Espo and the boys were last to arrive, as always. When Espo walked in and the two boys saw each other, Lanie got a matching set of death glares, but they (thankfully) didn't really say anything about it.

"Cool, thanks for coming guys! We've got tons of food, and Lanie brought wine coolers. We actually have wine somewhere, in case someone wants some. Mother gave me special permission," Castle came sweeping in, sensing the tension and trying to ease it. Lanie was liking him more and more every second. She raised her eyes suggestively at Kate, who rolled her eyes and looked away. Eventually everyone settled in the living room, comfortably talking in groups of two or three as Castle flitted back and forth between them like a firefly.

When he was drawn back over to Lanie and Kate (which happened a lot), Lanie asked, "You said you had board games? Like what?"

"Well I am SO glad you asked, we've got a stack mile high. Quelf, Scrabble, Twister, Cards Against Humanity - "

"THAT ONE!" Royce said, pointing at Castle from the couch. "Castle, my man, you have taste."

"Yeah, that one," Alexis said from the corner, sitting up. Castle pulled out the game and spread the cards out on the floor.

"Okay, does everyone know how to play?"

There were a chorus of yesses, and one no. Kevin looked a little embarrassed.

"Kevin, no problemo. Have you played Apples to Apples?"

"No," he said again. They had all shifted towards the little coffee table, and were in a haphazard circle around it. Kevin and Javier were almost directly across from one another, but Kevin had been refusing to make eye contact.

"Again, no problem. We go around, taking turns reading off the black cards. Everyone has a stack of the white cards, and turn them in anonymously in response to the black card. Then the reader has to choose a winner, and the person who placed that card gets it and thats a point. You win the game at 5 points? 7 points? I can never remember," Castle said, looking at the rest of the circle in question.

"Let's start with 5," Kate said. Castle grinned wide at her, and Lanie snorted. Javier gave her a questioning look. She shrugged her shoulders.

Castle dealt the cards, and the game began.

 

..

"Estrogen...the gays...and a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis, shit, that's terrible, who put that one in?"

..

"Judge Judy...Italians...Viagra! Viagra wins!"

..

"Self-loathing. I don't even have to read any more of these, who's card is this?"

..

They played round after round, and the tension in the room melted into laughter and the light buzz of alcohol. Kevin didn't exactly ignore Javier, but he didn't really acknowledge him either. Beckett racked up cards, knowing everyone's humor better than expected, and Castle mooned over her like a puppy. Javier kept himself from rolling his eyes for the first two rounds, then gave up. Lanie was grinning like a maniac every time it happened.

Once midnight rolled around, they had stopped playing, and were now laying around the room, the TV a steady noise in the background.

"Are you ever going to talk to him?" Lanie asked, over Kevin's shoulder.

"Who?" He asked, his eyes flicking over to where Javier sat, trying to make a house of cards on the hardwood floor.

"Don't gimme that, you know who I mean." Lanie slid down the arm of the couch and landed heavily next to him, draining the last of her drink.

"I don't know. Should I?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking. But he's awfully confused and helpless about the whole thing."

"He made it pretty clear to me."

Lanie sighed. "Kevin, if you cannot see that that boy over there is completely head over heels in love with you, than you are more of an idiot than Demming, and I'm pretty sure my dog is smarter than Demming."

Kevin's stomach did a weird flip thing at her words, and he shifted, frowning down at his hands.

"I don't think so, Lanie. He - he isn't who I thought he was."

"Have you _tried_ talking to him?"

Kevin didn't answer. _No,_ he said to himself. _What would I even say? How could you? Who are you? I thought I meant something? Was it all a lie?_ He found himself staring at Javier, and Javier looked up, laughing at something Royce had said. Maybe it was the light, maybe it was the booze clouding his thoughts, maybe it was what Lanie had said, but seeing Javier's smile right then made the air rush out of his lungs and made his chest ache.

"Kev, honey, just - think about it, okay? He doesn't know that the hell he's doing either - I am NOT saying to just forgive that idiot, Lord knows he screwed up, but give him a chance."

Lanie stood, stretched, and announced that she and Kate were leaving. Castle looked up from where he was standing in the kitchen with Kate, leaning on the counter and talking.

"Ladies, ladies! Just a moment longer! The party won't be the same without you!"

"Thanks, Castle," Royce said, throwing a balled up napkin at his head.

"No offense, gentlemen, but it's the truth."

"Actually, we're probably leaving too," Gina said, rising to her feet and then helping Alexis up. "Kev, do you still need a ride?"

"I don't live anywhere near either of you," Kevin said, looking up.

"That's okay, I drove you here, so - "

"I can take you," Javier said softly.

The room sort of stopped and Kevin looked over at him. It was the first time Javier had directly addressed him all night - in fact, it was the first time he had directly addressed him since the diner. Which, okay, was maybe Kevin's own fault.

"You're still staying with Jenny, right? That's close to Demming - I can drop you off when I drive him back."

Kevin debated. He really didn't know if he could handle being in a car with Javier, but with what Lanie had just said, and the desperate sort of look he had on his face -

"Okay, sure, that makes sense."

Javier exhaled slowly, trying not to make it seem like a sigh of relief. He could not BELIEVE he had just offered, and he definitely couldn't believe Kevin had accepted. His heart was racing now, thinking about what to say, how to talk to Kevin - maybe this was his chance to fix it.

They helped Castle clean up the living room a little bit, tossed all evidence of under-age drinking in the trash cans out back, and said their goodbyes, going separate ways. Kevin ignored the suggestive wink and wave that Lanie gave him as she walked across the street to her house, pulling Kate along. Kate blew a kiss to Castle, who nearly fainted on his front step.

Demming got in the front seat of Javier's car, and Kevin climbed in the back. The trip to Demming's house was filled with his chatter about Alexis, the new cigarette brand he had bought and his chemistry teacher, who was 'flunking him on purpose.' Javier was trying to pay attention, but his eyes kept going to the rearview mirror and Kevin, who was staring out the window.

When he pulled up to Demming's curb, he bumped his fist and Demming hopped out of the car. They sat for a second, waiting for Demming to find his key and get inside.

"Do you want to move up here?" Javier asked, looking again in the rearview mirror. Kevin was looking at him now, bright blue staring back in the yellow light of the streetlamps.

"Sure."

He got out and slid into the front, clicking his belt into place before looking and Javier expectantly. Javier changed gears and took off towards Jenny's house. It was only a few streets over, like he had said, and they were soon stopped in front. Javier looked at the door for a moment, remembering the first date he took Kevin on, and the feel of his lips against his own in the doorway.

"Thanks for the ride," Kevin said, unbuckling and starting to open the door.

"Kevin, wait," Javier said, grabbing Kevin's shoulder. Kevin stopped, but didn't turn his head.

"Kevin I - I don't know how to explain myself. Or apologize. But I'm sorry. I reacted terribly, I don't know why - I'm - I'm scared."

Kevin turned back towards him, one eyebrow lifted. Javier sighed, sitting back and bringing his hand to the steering wheel, gripping it.

“The guys, they - they don’t know. About me. Us. I don’t know. I haven’t told them and I didn’t know how they would react but I WILL tell them, I promise, just -”

He stopped, looking at Kevin.

“Can you give me a little more time?”

Kevin stared back. He hadn’t been expecting this - he didn’t know why. Maybe because he wasn’t used to other people apologizing. He wanted to be mad at Javier, wanted to tell him no, sorry, you got your chance. But here he was, trying to do something, and Kevin wasn’t mad. All he wanted to do was kiss that frown off Javier’s mouth.

But he wouldn’t - not yet.

“Okay,” Kevin said, and smiled at the shocked look on Javier’s face.

“Okay? Okay. Okay. Cool. Th - thanks. Um.”

“Do you want - do you wanna do something? Sometime? Maybe?” Kevin asked.

“Yes! Yes. That would be great. We’re - a whole bunch of people, basically everyone that was at Castle’s house tonight - we’re all going to a drive-in movie this weekend, do you want to go?”

Kevin smiled wider now. Lanie had already told him about the movie and had told him he didn’t have a choice, he was coming. But Javier didn’t need to know that.

“Sure. Let’s do that.”

Javier smiled. “Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE FLUFF  
> THERE IS MORE ANGST  
> BUT THEN THERE WILL BE FLUFF  
> FLUFF GALORE  
> but LATER
> 
> Come and say hi to us on tumblr!  
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> apollojolras [nuwandaohmynuwanda](http://www.nuwandaohmynuwanda.tumblr.com)


	4. The Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes to a movie, and Kevin and Javier have a much-needed conversation.

Javier sat in Jenny’s driveway, feeling almost overwhelming deja vu. It was just like that first date, all over again, except he was even MORE nervous this time. He had so much more to prove this time.

Lanie had convinced him to ask Kevin if he needed a ride to the movie, and Kevin had shrugged and said, “Sure,” a smile tugging at his mouth. So here Javier sat, hands sweating on the steering wheel, wondering if he should come up to the door or not. He wanted to, but didn’t know if Kevin wanted him to. This wasn’t a date, this was a - a something else. There were even more questions than the first time around and it was unnerving and frustrating and Javier was just kind of freaking out about that whole thing. 

Before he really had time to decide whether he should go up to the door or just text Kevin, the door swung open and Kevin walked out, turning to talk to someone inside. Javier felt like ducking, not wanting to see Jenny or worse - Kevin’s parents - but he couldn’t do that, he would look like an idiot. So he sat, clenching the wheel between his fingers, and stared down at the dashboard. He glanced up after a minute, wondering if Kevin was still talking. He was, but he was further out the door, and Javier caught the eye of his mom, Alana. She was looking at Javier with one eyebrow raised, a sort of terrifying calm expression on her face as she raised one hand to wave it at him. He smiled at her, or tried to, and waved back. Javier felt his heart speed up in his chest. He thought the worst feeling had been knowing that he had hurt Kevin, betrayed his trust and ruined what they had - he was wrong. No, letting Alana down almost felt worse. She wasn’t even his own mom but as her eyes flicked back and forth between him and her son, he flushed with shame and his thoughts flashed back to all the nights he had spent here with them. 

Javier looked back down. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in Alana’s eyes. 

The door clicked open, and he looked over to see Kevin slide into the seat. 

“Hey,” he said, and Javier grinned at him.

“Hey,” he replied, and his jumpiness was back full force, but there was another kind of jumpiness too, something like the butterflies he had the first time around. It felt good.

Javier backed the car out of the driveway, carefully avoiding looking at the door of the house in case Alana was standing there. Then they were on their way.

Kevin actually started the conversation, which was a relief to Javier, but it was just small talk, about school and classes and Moe’s diner getting new booth covers. But it was still nice. 

“We’ve got to pick up Lanie and Beckett, if that’s cool,” Javier said when he turned onto Lanie’s street. 

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

“Beckett usually rides everywhere with me, and she was over at Lanie’s today -”

“It’s cool, I knew you were picking them up. Lanie and I are friends.” Kevin smirked.

“I know,” Javier said, “just - checking.” He smiled when Kevin rolled his eyes. This was okay. This was good.

They pulled up in front of Lanie’s house, and Javier honked. Lanie’s curtains flicked open, and a few seconds late the two girls came out the door, hopping into the backseat. Beckett smirked at Javier. Lanie smirked at Kevin. They were both ignored. 

“What’s happening, boys?” Lanie asked, leaning forwards to stick her head between the front seats. 

“Put your seatbelt on,” Javier said, ignoring her question.

Lanie pecked him on the cheek and he made a noise of faux-disgust, wiping at the lipstick she undoubtedly left behind. His fingers came away pink, and he grimaced. 

“Lanie, come on, I’m driving here,” he whined, gesturing at the road.

“Oh, please, we’re in a 30 mile-an-hour neighborhood. And it’s just lipstick,” she said, and Kevin turned to find her grinning at him from the backseat. 

“It’s probably all over my cheek, you bitch.”

“Only a little,” Beckett said, and Lanie gasped, faking offense.

“Javier Esposito, I give you a token of my affection and get treated this way? See if I ever ask you for a ride again.”

“Good, I’ll save so much on gas.”

Beckett laughed and Kevin smiled at him. 

“Lanie. You better make sure this shit is off my face before the guys see it.”

“Make Kevin do it, I have to wear my seatbelt, remember?” She said, singing the last word.

Javier scoffed, but then stilled as he felt Kevin’s thumb on his cheek.

“Here,” he said, and he rubbed just under the spot Javier had wiped, getting the last of it off of his face. Javier hoped that Kevin couldn’t feel the sudden heat in his cheeks, and he really really hoped he wasn’t blushing because he didn’t need Beckett to have anything to tease him about later. He blinked as Kevin pulled away, and turned to look at him.

Kevin wasn’t smiling, exactly, but wasn’t frowning either, looking back and Javier. “Thanks,” Javier said, and Kevin nodded slightly. There was a weird, soft silence in the car for a moment, before Lanie started spouting some story and the conversation moved on.

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

“Castle, what are you doing?”

Beckett stood with her hip cocked, glaring at Castle as he opened his trunk and let Demming and Royce out of it. 

“What? They said you guys sneak them in for free all the time,” Castle said, looking confused.

“Boys, don’t play with his head, he’ll believe anything,” Lanie said as she brushed past, blowing at Royce. He clutched at his heart and made a face, making her laugh as she stepped into the concession line. Kevin climbed out of the car and walked up next to her.

“I thought you said drive-in movie?” Kevin said, gesturing behind him. It was more of a park, people spread out on blankets on the grass, a big screen set up at the end of the field. 

“Well, sort of,” Lanie said, turning towards him. “There WAS a drive-in theater, downtown, just like, 2 blocks from here, but the lot got bought out and they moved over here two years ago. We all still call it the drive in, even though that’s not accurate. I forgot you didn’t know.”

“I prefer this, actually,” Kevin said, smiling. “Cars get uncomfortable.”

“And there’s no easy way to bail, right?”

“Right. Wait, no! What does that mean?”

Lanie shrugged and tilted her head over towards Javier, who was laughing with Demming and Royce. Kevin rolled his eyes at her and ordered some gummy bears.

Javier had brought two blankets to lay out on, and the ended up squished together, Castle on one end next to Beckett, Demming next to her, then Lanie, who was practically in Royce’s lap, Javier, and Kevin. Close, but not too close. Their thighs were barely touching, brushing against each other when they moved, but neither boy shifted closer or further away. 

Kevin honestly didn’t know what the movie was about - instead of watching, he was stuck inside his own head, arguing with himself. Javier _was_ making an effort, he had apologized and reached out to Kevin. But he had also fucked up royally, and Kevin couldn’t just forget him. He used to do that, forgive over and over, with Bobby, and he wasn’t going through that again. 

Javier was leaning back on his hands, so close that Kevin found himself staring down at the tanned fingers, imagining them twisted in his. He started at the realization that he couldn’t remember what Javier’s hand felt like in his - he couldn’t just close his eyes and feel Javier ghosting over his skin. It had been too long.

Kevin suddenly stood, and Javier looked at him in alarm, asking “Are you okay?” Kevin didn’t respond before taking off towards the car. He just - he just needed a minute.

When he made it to the parking lot, he leaned up against the side of Javier’s car, pressing his forehead to the glass. He just stood there for a minute, breathing, hoping no one would walk by but not really caring if someone did.

“Kev?” He heard, and turned towards the voice.

Javier had followed him, and was now standing a couple of feet away, hesitating to come closer. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just - needed a minute.”

“Oh,” Javier said, pausing. “Do you - okay. I’ll leave.”

“No, it’s fine,” Kevin started, before wondering why it was fine that Javier was staying. Wasn’t he the reason Kevin had needed a moment?

“Uh, okay.”

Kevin stood in silence, and Javier looked like he wanted to say something. Instead, he just came over beside Kevin and leaned against the car.

“I’m sorry, Kev,” he mumbled, under his breath. 

Kevin didn’t know what to say. _It’s okay? It’s not okay? I understand? I DON’T understand?_ Nothing really fit what he was feeling. He wanted so desperately to just forget it had even happened and lean into Javier and wrap his arms around his neck and just FEEL him again. After so many months, the ache had only grown, gnawing in Kevin’s chest and head, reminding him over and over. 

“I’m so, so sorry. I don’t even, I can’t explain myself and I feel like shit about the whole thing and I don’t even know where to start or how to fix it, and I know that you’re still mad, you should be, you really should be mad at me forever, but I swear I will try to change and get better and not - not freak out anymore, I just wasn’t ready and didn’t know -”

Kevin moved before he really thought about it, but suddenly he was standing in front of Javier, legs in between his, pressing his chest into Javier’s, and running his thumb over Javier’s cheek and kissing him lightly on the lips. 

Javier surged into Kevin’s touch, grabbing his shoulders desperately and pulling Kevin into him, making a noise in the back of his throat. Kevin inhaled sharply with surprise and then just gave in, melting into Javier like he had so many times before. They kissed like they needed to - perhaps they had - and it was both new and perfectly familiar at the same time. It felt so good to just feel each other, just breathe with each other.

Kevin broke apart first, but didn’t move far, leaning his forehead against Javier's. They stood, leaning against each other, breathing heavily, for a few moments. Kevin opened his eyes to see Javier smiling wide, eyes still closed. Kevin realized he was smiling too, which made him breathe out in a soft laugh. 

Javier opened his eyes and stared back at Kevin, pulling away only enough to see all of him at once. Kevin’s blue eyes were mesmerizing and perfect and he didn’t even realize how much he had missed them until this very moment.

“Does - does that mean -”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said, interrupting him. “I don’t know what it means, but it’s good. And okay. And - and I miss you, Javi.”

Javier’s heart lurched at his words, the name giving him a burst of warmth in his chest. 

“God, I miss you too, Kevin. I miss you every day.”

He leaned in slowly, telegraphing his actions so Kevin could stop him if he wanted, but Kevin met him halfway in a slower, softer kiss than before. Javier sighed. It was perfect.

“Yo Espo! Where you at?”

“Royce seriously, don’t! He’ll be back soon!”

“I need his lighter, I know he always has one and fucking Demming lost his.”

Javier broke apart from Kevin and looked at him in horror at the sound of Royce and Lanie approaching the car. Kevin frowned, his forehead creasing as Javier gently untangled their legs, pulling away from Kevin. Suddenly Kevin felt cold, the body heat Javier had been sharing ripped away as he took a step away from the car.

“Wait,” he started to say, but then Royce rounded the corner of the car and almost ran into Javier. 

“Yo! Espo, man, where were you?” He asked, then he saw Kevin against the car. “Oh, hey, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt -” Royce said, looking at Javier with a confused face.

“No, no, no interrupting, just - what do you want, Royce?”

“Uh, you got a light?” He asked, pulling out the cigarette from behind his ear. 

Lanie came up behind him, glaring. She saw the expression on Kevin’s face, and her brows creased. She mouthed ‘sorry,’ at him, and he shrugged. 

“Okay, here, just take it,” Javier said, pulling a lighter out of his jean pocket. Kevin looked down at the ground. 

“Sorry, man, I didn’t -”

“No, you’re fine, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Royce gave him a look, and Javier glared at him. Lanie started pulling on Royce’s shirt.

“Okaaaaay, bye, sorry,” she said, and Royce let himself be led away. 

Javier stayed standing where he was, facing away from Kevin, hands clenched at his sides. He turned, expecting Kevin to tell him to fuck off again. Instead, Kevin looked at him with something softer, mouth set in a line, but not a frown. 

“Kevin, I -”

“Look, Javier, I’m not going to do this again. You either want to be with me, all the time in front of everyone, or not at all. I’m not going to be some sort of side thing. I already dealt with that shit and honestly? I thought you thought I was worth more than that. You made me feel that way, at least. Yeah, I’m still mad at you, and you’re not forgiven, but I obviously still have feelings for you, regardless of whatever fuckery you have put me through. I - God, I WANT you, Javi, I want to be with you, I - I love you.”

Kevin stopped for a moment, and Javier realized he was holding his breath.

“But you have to choose,” Kevin started again. “You have to choose all of it or none of it. I’m not going to make out in dark parking lots anymore - at least, not exclusively.” He smiled a little, but it was sad. “Just let me know when you figure it out.”

He brushed past Javier, who reached out to stop him, hand on his shoulder. Kevin put his hand over his, looked at him and deliberately took his hand off of his shoulder. Javier turned and watched him walk back towards the group. 

Javier leaned back against the car, deflating, not knowing what the hell to do with himself. He took his head into his hands, dragging his hands down his face. He sighed loudly, and kicked at the dirt on the ground.

When he made it back to the group, Kevin was sitting in between Kate and Lanie, not making eye contact with him. Javier didn’t know why, but it hurt more now than it had before.


End file.
